Poetry Slam & Beer Tasting Extravaganza

“Welcome to the Black Cock’s Second Annual Poetry Slam and Beer Tasting Extravaganza; I’m Folklore Fanatic, the host and MC for tonight’s event. Before we get started, I’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Mr. Sven Viking of the Mead-Herrings Microbrewery for providing us with such a wonderful variety of delicious libations. Mr. Viking, Salut!"

Sven Viking stood up and waved as the spotlight swung in his direction. “Folklore, I’m flattered. Thanks for the warm welcome and remember everybody, Mead! Herrings!” He sat down to the thunderous applause echoing off the brick walls of the Black Cock. The houselights dimmed and the spotlight swung back to the stage and focused on Folklore and the first participant.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it brings me great pleasure to introduce our first participant, Ms. Reph of Dubuque, Iowa, presenting her poem, ‘Word Soup’. Reph leaned over and tapped the mike. “Is this thing on?” The crowd laughed and she continued:
I’ll take a hammer to your grammar
If that’s what it takes
Your sorry punctuation and the glaring mistakes
In your spelling
It’s atrocious and the whole world shakes
Baby, if I have to beat you
I’ll do it to defeat you
‘Cause I can’t stand listening to your
Grammar mistakes.

Reph took a bow and walked off stage and back to her seat to resounding applause. It took several minutes for the catcalls and whistles to stop. Folklore said, “Didn’t that just get you where you live?” He wiped away a fake tear and proceeded to introduce the next participant.

Out in the audience, Jill leaned over and whispered quietly to Robeiae and Kathy Rhyme who were sitting with her. “Have you seen William? I know he wouldn’t pass up a chance to participate in a poetry slam. I’m sure he told me he was going to sign up for this.”

“I have no idea. No one ever tells me anything’, said Robeiae.

“Yes we do tell you, you just don’t listen. Look, here come Nique Zoolio and Ray. Maybe they’ll know something. Ray and William were going to get together last night to try and brush up for a class they’re taking.”

“What class is that, Kathy?” Jill said as she signaled their waitress for another round.

Nique and Ray reached the table at the same time as the waitress. “Are you married?” Nique asked.

“Nique!” chorused his friends.

“Give it a rest, Nique”, said Ray. The waitress took their orders and hurried away. She looked back over her shoulder to make sure Nique wasn’t following her.

“Ray, what’s the name of that class you and William are taking tomorrow? Dialogue something or other isn’t it?” Kathy asked.

“Writing Exciting Prose Through the Use of Dialogue Tags”, but I don’t think William is going to make it.”

“What? Why not?” Jill asked.

“Ssh. I’ll tell you in a minute. Bill Brokenfingers is up next. I want to hear his poem’, whispered Ray. The group fell silent and watched expectantly as their friend took the stage; except Robeiae, he was busy scanning the room for their waitress hoping to snag another bowl of peanuts before the slam progressed much further.

Bill stepped to the mike and paused. He was wearing a neon pink sweater and matching beret. Black Ray Bans covered his eyes. He reminded Nique of one of the Blues Brothers. Sort of the same, yet different. Bill’s black jeans were tucked into black hiking boots. He held a black cigarette holder in one hand and his poem in the other. He took a deep breath, exhaled and began.

“The Ballad of Nogun Shogun”
by Bill Brokenfingers”

“Suddenly they were attacked by ninjas
No armor could protect their souls
No sword or shield could parry there
Their bodies filled with holes.

When the attack was over
The corpses laid to rest
The ninjas hurt them further
saying, 'Mama always loved me best'.

So when you're out there warring
Remember what's been said
It ain't over til it's over
And the ninjas have your head."


Bill tapped an imaginary ash from his unlit cigarette as he finished. He left the stage to a hearty round of applause. The room looked as if it were filled with fireflies as his friends and fans flicked their Bics in appreciation.

“Damn. I didn’t think people did that any more”, said Robeiae around a mouthful of peanuts. “It’s good to see that all the old customs haven’t died.”

“So come on, Ray, tell us where William went”, pleaded Jill. “Has something happened to him? Don’t tell me that ambulance I saw today was for him.”

“No, it wasn’t for him, Jill. Look, Bill’s on his way over. He should be here when I tell you this.” As Bill made his way around the crowded room, Susie Sherry234 took the stage with JAlpha for a duet reading of their beat poem, ‘Lies’. Susie started out with the first line:
You say you love me
JAlpha replied: It’s a lie
But you try to control me
It’s a lie
You try to disown me from my own soul
It’s a lie
Because your heart is black
It’s a lie
You can’t come back
It’s a lie
When I touch your face
It’s a lie
So I’m writing you off
It’s a lie
Like a bad debt paid
It’s a lie
The blood on my hands
It’s a lie
It makes me understand
It’s a lie
You’re good and gone
It’s a lie
Goodbye, sucker, die

There were several loud whistles from the audience. “Right on, sisters!” somebody yelled. “Tell it like it is girlfriend”, a different voice called. Susie and JAlpha locked their arms around each other’s waist and made a perfect tandem bow. JAlpha blew the audience a kiss and the two went lightly down the steps and back to their table.

“Man, that felt good”, said Susie. “That was almost as much fun as the actual event!”

By this time, Bill had made it around the room to join the others waiting for him at their table. “Okay, Raymond Maestrowork, give! Tell us what happened to William” Jill said. “Or else.”

“Oh, man”, Bill said, “You mean you didn’t hear about it?”

“No”, said Jill. “Will one of you please get on with it? I’m dying over here already.”

“Well”, Ray began, “You know a bunch of us went for a balloon ride this morning, right? Well, the balloon carrying William, Unique, Neuro, and SC disappeared.”

”What do you mean disappeared?” Jill asked
.
“Yeah, Ray how does something that big just disappear?” asked Kathy.

“Well, the really weird thing about it”, said Bill, picking up where Ray left off, “Is that our balloon had a 6” tear in the envelope. We never even got off the ground. The chase driver was waiting for us to lift off before he started to follow. When two balloons lift together like that, they try to stay within visual distance of each other. By the time we figured out why our envelope wouldn’t completely fill, the others were floating out of sight.”

“Oh, my God”, said Jill, “So where are they? What happened to them?”

“We don’t know”, said Ray. “Lola Peaches was so upset we came back to the hotel just as soon as we helped Jackie get the gear stowed away. She tried to call them on the radio from the time we left the field until we pulled up at the hotel. I don’t know what their procedure is for something like this.”

“Certainly the woman must have contacted the authorities by now”, said Robeiae. “Those rides only last a few hours at the most."

“Don’t those buggers have some sort of GPS or tracking device in them?” Nique asked. He had been silently watching Robeiae devouring peanuts. He wondered how many times the waitress would refill the bowl before she cut Robeiae off from getting any more. Being a smart aleck bartender himself and having a one track mind, Nique idly wondered if the waitress would show him where she kept the nuts if he offered to show her where he kept his.

“He did what?” Jill called out loudly. Nique’s thoughts were abruptly pulled back to the table. “How could anyone possibly think William could do such a thing?” Jill asked. Her cheeks flamed as she realized most of the people in the Black Cock were staring in her direction.

Fortunately, Folklore Fanatic chose that moment to take the stage and make the following announcement, “Folks, we’re at the halfway point of this evening’s
extravaganza. Now’s the time to stretch your legs, check those voice mail messages and perhaps try another variety of our wonderful local brew courtesy of Mead-Herrings Microbrewery of Asheville. We’ll take a short intermission and be back in 15 minutes. Please remember to switch those phones back to vibrate; we’d hate to have you miss out on any cheap thrills.” Jill fanned her face with a program, thankful that the attention of the rest of the audience was diverted from her.

“I don’t care what Detective McAllister says, Ray. William would never do such a thing. Why, he barely knew Sage. Why would he try to kill her?” Jill shook her head, “I don’t believe it.”

“I don’t know, Jill. He must have some reason for suspecting William.” Ray handed Robeiae a peanut that had fallen on the table. Kathy gave Rob a sharp poke in the ribs with her elbow. “That’s the fifth bowl of peanuts that you’ve eaten, Rob. Why don’t you share some with the rest of us?” Robeiae offered her the peanut Ray had handed him. Kathy crossed her arms and shook her head, “You’re the limit, Rob, you know that? You’re the absolute limit.”
“Here Rob, I’ll take it”, said Nique. He took the peanut from Robeiae and popped it in his mouth. “Hey, you rubbed off all the salt.” Nique took it out of his mouth and handed it back to Rob. Rob popped it in his mouth and followed it with a few more from the bowl on the table.

“Rob, you are disgusting. I don’t know why I put up with you sometimes”, Kathy said in a huff.
“Because I’m the Emperor of Wyoming?” Robeiae asked.
“I don’t think that’s it.”
“Then it must be because I’m so cute and full of intelligent insights”, he said.
“I don’t think that’s it either.”